I never really expected that it would be this hard, but I am holding on and trying to be strong, so that things will happen. This particular matter of confusion applies to my extra curricular involvement and yeah… about a man too. Like when did that part ever did leave me anyway? LOL

Kidding aside, yes I am having problems with communicating with some people that works with me inside the publication, perhaps I really am not good in keeping a conversation as what someone always told me. I really am trying my best to boost my confidence a bit, but I am having trouble doing it. I cannot exactly say the reason why but I know it has something to do with personal issues. I am doing everything I can to make things work. Wish me luck!

The man part. Well I am still dating the same guy in the past six months and although sometimes I get irritated with him because of some jealousy issues (I had jealousy issues tss… talk about paranoia LOL) I am very glad to say that I love him and that we are still together. Our relationship is quite stormy, I mean I actually have the guts to fight with him, (haha!) he argues back too but in a calm way though. I thought I would lose him, but he was always the one who tries to save what we had. hihihi We do not have a formal month-sary but I guess it is okay for us to stay like this for now, at least less commitment, less expectation, less pain. Well okay, the less commitment thing does not really mean that he is free to date anyone else, trust me he do not want to do that. He will be fried dead in his own bed if he did! LOL Sometimes though, I feel like he is like any other man. Womanizer, ring a bell? I do not know really, I do not have a concrete proof that he. I hope not, I strongly pray and wish that he is not that kind of man. I have had enough of man like that, I am tired of dealing with them.

Friendship. I am actually having fun with my friends especially with the new ‘sister’ I found. haha! I feel really blessed to be surrounded by people like them despite the fact that there are haters out there who could not wait to get their hands on me and strangle me to death. Okay, I was exaggerating on the “strangle me to death” part but who knows, maybe someone really does want to do that to me. Refer to first paragraph. LOL

The content might not be as gloomy as the title, but trust me I feel really gloomy myself. By the way, sorry for the long gap of updates, I have not really been in front of the computer that much anymore. Plus we currently do not have internet at home. So yeah, till next post, cheers!

Anyway, as I said, I received a shocking news from our adviser and it shocked everyone who are present in the meeting. The shocking news was great, it was beyond what I was expecting, I am not ready for it though, but I am willing to give it a shot.

I know that everyone in the publication would have negative reactions about it, but I strongly believe that it is God’s will and a big opportunity for me to grab, hold and protect. I know the consequences too well, my friends and I might develop a big gap because of it and I am afraid for it to happen for they are really important to me.

Speaking of friendship… I know someone who worked his ass off for years in the publication and deserves the “shocking news” more than I do. Apparently, he was shocked negatively. I am willing to give up what was given to me, just for him… for I know he deserves it more than anyone else. I am glad to be given such opportunity, but perhaps this is not my time for it. Thanks for the windfall, but it is just not my time yet. God has a better plan for me, and that is what matters most.

Perhaps my father’s death is not the only depressing matter I am facing right now…

I never knew that it is possible to love someone deeply even if you barely even know them… I was not ready to let him go. …

I made a new layout, which is obviously vintage inspired. I really love it. Anyway, I’m back in the blogosphere again, but I can’t promise to update often. I’m dealing with a lot of emotions these past few weeks, and it all started last May 3, 2010 when I found out that my papa died. I wasn’t expecting it to happen, but it did and I guess I have taken it deeply than I ever thought I would.

I never knew that it is possible to love someone deeply even if you barely even know them. I have only seen my papa twice in the last thirteen years, the first time was last June and the second was April 25, 2010. I was so happy when I saw him for the second time, not knowing that it would be the last. I was looking forward to spending more time with him, we had plans of making music together, writing more songs, poetries and taking photographs and most especially drinking a lot of coffee. But it will never happen, for just a week after that happy day he passed away.

My papa died happy though, but I was not ready to let him go. Every time I think or talk about him or listen to songs that would remind me of him, I could not help but cry. Sometimes I would drink more coffee to stay awake at night and keep myself busy with random things on my laptop just to divert my thoughts. But it never worked, at dawn I would lie in my bed and I could not help but think of him until I cry again… it’s hard, so hard. It’s harder than I thought it would be. I am thankful that I am quite a good actress because I could somehow hide what I truly feel.

I may be happy on the outside, but on the inside I am broken… I wish I could have one more day to spend with him… Mi manchi papà…

P.S.
I have written a short story about this particular matter. Read “Time to Say Adieu”